Finally…I have managed to get in and get a new tattoo done. Now I know that some people don’t approve of tattoo’s and think they are trashy while other people love them. I happen to believe that a tattoo should not define the type of person you are. If you like them then why shouldn’t you be able to have them on your body?
This one is my third and I do have to admit that I have a small list of some others I plan on getting done. I won’t mention what yet but I will let you all know when the ink has been punctured into my skin.
I’m not one of those people who like the cutesy tatt’s. Tweetybird on the butt or an ice cream cone on the bikini line? Not my type of thing. I want to get ones that mean something to me. At least that mean something to me at that point in my life. The first one I ever had done was of a dagger wrapped with a rose vine on my upper back. Not the classiest but it was an image that was stuck in my mind from the age of 13 as the tattoo I would one day get. Well, I got it.
My second is of a tiger cub on my calf. Why a tiger cub? Well, just because I love tigers and think that they are beautiful animals. My daughter loves to poke at it and “pet” the kitty.
My most recent one is for something that will always be part of my life. Something that, not matter how bad or good my life is going, will never alter. Never change and will never go away. I am now, and will always be a mother. I will always love my kids. I may not like what they do, but I will always love them and I will always be their “mom”. So my tattoo is to represent Motherhood.
If you have taken a good look at it you may notice that it is a play on the Trinity. There are a few different definitions for the Trinity. Most common is of three entities in one place, the merging of three people, a trio and so forth. But it can also mean an assemblage of items or people. I will always have my children and they me. We are assembled as a family. Hence, the Trinity.
I do have to admit that while it is healing (I only had it done two days ago), it is really sore. If you think about it, this involves a needle repeatedly puncturing your skin. First the outline and then the colouring. Not to mention the top of the “moms” head is right near a bone so that was really sensitive. It hurts when I move my arms certain or try to look down towards my toes. Not to mention a shirt rubbing on it or just putting on the lotion that I need to apply three times a day but it will be well worth it. I LOVE my new tattoo!
Well today is the first day of 2012 and one of the things I would like to do is to start blogging again. Am I writing life altering posts or posts that are hugely read? No……but I enjoy writing so I’m going to do it anyways:)
Today I am going to write about New Years resolutions. How many of you start out the New Year resolving to make some drastic changes in your life? I think the most common resolutions are to quit smoking, lose weight, and exercise more. How many have actually managed to not only obtain these goals but to maintain them?
I myself have decided to not make any resolutions for the start of this New Year. I already know I will falter resulting in my feeling like a failure so why put myself through that? I think you need to decide to make changes to your life all through the year. When the moments are right so that you have an actual chance of accomplishing them. Not only that but drastic resolutions are do difficult to keep. Smaller steps towards reaching a change are easier on our self esteem.
In any case, resolutions are a personal decision but I think the one thing we can all resolve to do is to try to make 2012 a great year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Today is the last day of school for my oldest boy, Sterling, and then it is officially SUMMER VACATION in this household. It is also the day in which the boys give gifts to their teachers to thank them for the year. Lets face it, it is really a “Thank you for not strangling my kids” gift from the parents but lets just pretend it is an innocent gift from our children.
This year my boys have given their teachers flower pots. They started out by painting a couple of flower pots picked up from a craft store. Luckily I have a ton of acrylic paints around here so they had a great selection of colours and even some glitter.
The next step was all mine. Colourful flowers made of chocolate. Yes, chocolate lollipop flowers. They won’t die, don’t need water, and taste yummy. All you need is a couple of chocolate molds and lollipop sticks. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
To stick the flowers into the pots I cut some styrofoam and place it into each pot which gave me a great place to insert the sticks of the lollipops. To finish it off I just used shredded light brown paper, to represent dirt, and voila…….finite!
The teachers can eat the chocolate and then use the pots for real flowers, a catch-all on a desk or even a pen holder. I hope that they enjoy them. I know the kids enjoyed creating them.
Does depression really hurt? Hell yeah! If you have depression it hurts yourself, your family, and the every day functionality of living your life. This I can attest to as a person whom has been diagnosed as having depression, not to mention anxiety issues.
For many years I have suffered from depression and probably fought with it since my teen years. I have been on and off of medication for a number of years. I would stop taking medication whenever I was pregnant or if I felt it wasn’t making a difference. It wasn’t that I was feeling “better”, I just didn’t really feel anything.
Depression that isn’t being treated properly can lead to so much pain. It really can take over your life and make a mess of everything. You don’t feel like cleaning so your home becomes cluttered. You don’t feel like going out and being near people so you hide inside in sweatpants. Not to mention the mess it can make of your finances. Bills? Remembering to pay falls by the wayside. It’s not that you dont care, it’s that you don’t care enough. About anything!
Suffering through this can be very lonely. People can be right beside you but you feel alone. Overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and futility. Life just seems too hard and you feel like you have become nothing but a failure. People may have known I was depressed but for the most part never really knew how sad I was. At one point during my later teen years I felt as if I had made such a mess of my life that I didn’t want to be around any more. I took a number of pills but I was young and had no idea how many I would have needed to take so I just ended up really ill the next morning. This is what depression can do to you. Although it is a fairly common problem, going to a doctor to discuss your problems feels so embarrasing. Almost shameful.
I have been on a new medication for a couple of months now and for the first time in years I don’t feel like life is full of misery. Please do not misunderstand me when I am talking about a life of misery as if it included everything. The misery did not include my children. They were my happiness but I didn’t always show that emotion as I was emotionally stunted. Nor did it include my husband as he put up with my mood swings, anxiety flair ups, and general craziness for over 10 years. My sadness was with me.
I am now more cheerful. Willing to let things roll off of my back without having a major melt down. I’m learning to enjoy the little things and feel more driven to get things done. Feel like things will be okay. Yes I am unsure as to what my future holds but nobody has any guarantees do they?
I cannot undo all of the problems that have occurred due to mental and emotional state. I can only fix what I can and look forward. A new quote I am trying to adhere to is:
Every small step I make is a good step. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.
This morning was a bit of a big moment for my baby girl Pryde. It managed to make me giddy with happiness yet sad at the same time. I am sure that most, if not all, mothers would agree with me. Pryde rode in her “big girl” car seat.
Yes, today she was removed from her infant seat and put into a regular car seat. She thought it was one of the best things ever. She could see out the window, view the movie screen, and see mommy. The best thing? She didn’t scream when I put her in my truck. She hated when I put her infant seat the vehicle and would cry and screech. It really made for a trying drive. As we drove down the street she could see people walking on the sidewalks and would wave and say “byyyyyye!” It was adorable. In fact she loved it so much that she became upset with me when we arrived back at home. That was a pleasant change.
So as you can tell, the experience was a pleasant one for her and it was great to see her in her new seat happy with being in the truck, but it also makes me sad because my baby is growing up. She is learning to talk a little more every day, she is “toddling” all over the place and now she is in a “big girl” car seat. It’s official…..my baby girl is growing up.
“BING!” That is the sound that could almost be heard when I had a really big self realization moment.
Recently, I have been going through a rather tough time in my life and have been having a difficult time of coping. Not always handling my emotions in the best and most productive ways. A couple of nights ago, I had finished a rather upsetting telephone conversation (upsetting for both parties,) when something clicked. The only way to make things better is to do it myself.
Now I am pretty sure there are many of you that are going “DUH! but for somebody like myself it is really difficult. I have trained myself to expect the worse out of life. To expect the worse outcomes and to think negatively. I started doing this during my teen years because I learned that if I didn’t really think the good was going to happen then I couldn’t be hurt. Maybe this is because I have, and still am, battling depression or maybe it has just been a method of self preservation. Either way it hasn’t been a productive way to proceed through life.
I have been so focused on everything that is going wrong with my life that I had totally forgone recognizing any positives. Sure I am going through some negatives but there are positives as well and I have to learn to celebrate each little accomplishment. Who cares if it is only that I did 4 loads of laundry today and mopped the floors. That is something that I did today instead of sitting on the couch feeling sad and lashing out at others.
I have to say that since coming to this conclusion I have had a couple of days of “happy”. I have been more chipper and have managed to get more done. I wake up feeling more positive and ready to go. I’m not saying I will always feel this way and may have my bad days but you cannot change years of negative thinking overnight. Little steps at a time is the only way I can keep moving forward. Now if I could only learn to make quick decisions things would be great
How is it possible that you can feel happy for somebody yet sad at the same time? This situation can cause a lot of inner turmoil to ones self not to mention with the way you project yourself to others. I have found myself to be in this very situation and I have to say, I don’t like it.
To see somebody who is able to make such wonderfully positive changes in their life is really a fantastic thing. The ability to do that takes strength, desire, and drive. It is something to be commended……..yet, it also makes me sad. The fear that the other person involved is being left behind. That these changes are being made for a future that is going to be headed on a different path.
How do you explain to someone that the way you are acting is just because you are hurting? Although you may be being percieved as “a bitch” it is just because you are trying to hold yourself together and not break down. That you are afraid and just trying to make it past that moment and to try and change your thoughts to a more positive place. Well, you don’t. You just lash out or close yourself off hoping that will make it easier for yourself but it doesn’t. It all ends up coming out later while you are sitting by yourself and nobody is around to see you while you have a minor break down.
Feelings and emotions can be very hard to decipher. They can cause great joy and great pain but that is all a wonderful part of being human. At least that is what they tell me. A part of my process will be to write about my thoughts as this often leaves me with the sense of being lighter. Like I was able to share something and release some of my pent up thoughts. Heres to hoping this ride won’t always seem so rough!
It has been such a long time since I have taken the time to write a post. In my last entry, I alluded to the fact that I had many things happening my life and wrote about my teen daughter who will be making me a grandma. Today’s post is about the biggest and most challenging event that is occurring in my life. If you are reading this post please bare with me if I ramble or weave off topic but my head is often so over wrought with thoughts that transferring them into written words can be challenging.
My husband of 10 years and I are currently on a “trial separation”. For many people when they hear that friends or family are going through a rough patch or possibly facing the end of a marriage they are unsure as to how to react. Should they take sides? Should they show pity? What should they do? It is never an easy situation to address and I would be unsure myself were it somebody else.
In our situation it isn’t a case of us being enemies or bad mouthing each other. We both have issues with each other, with ourselves, with our marriage. This decision to live apart was not easy but it is what we thought was best given the way things were going. There is no question about the fact that we love each other but as they say, love isn’t enough. We need to figure out if we can repair our marriage, open communication, become a couple again but also discover who we are as individuals.
My husband has rented an apartment 5 minutes away so he is near for the kids. We both still attend bowling with our boys and we still see each other to just spend some time together to see if we can reconnect. Is this easy for me? Hell no! I have my good days, my okay days, and I have my “life really sucks” days. My anxiety is horrible and my depression is pretty bad but this is where my life is right now.
No matter what decision we end up making, this is a part of the process that is necessary. I would rather have things this way than try to force our marriage to work while residing in the same home surrounded by unhappiness, anger, and resentment. My children didn’t need to continue to witness unhappy and argumentative parents. It wasn’t good for any of us.
My children understand that dad has his own “thinking place” right now and go over to spend quality time. We are trying to make the best out of an awkward situation because no matter what, we are parents to these wonderful children and will always have a relationship.
In closing, there is no question about our emotional feelings towards each other. We do not hate or bad mouth each other. I wouldn’t post anything here that I would be worried about him reading. We are just trying our best to work our way through a tough and indecisive time and hope that in the end the decision reached will be what is best for him, me, and our children.
Finally, I have managed to return to the blogosphere. It has been quite a long time and I have to say that I have really missed it.
Things in my life have been turned upside down, inside out, and ass over tea kettle for a number of months now. Some things of which I will fill you in on at a later date but for todays posting I will share with you one of the biggies. I am going to be a grand mother. Yup! At the ripe old age of 36 I will become a grand mother! Hold on for a minute while I have a panic attack here.
My teen daughter, whom is only 17, is slowly transforming into a Buddha belly with legs. By the end of June my baby grand daughter will be born. Meanwhile my little princess will only 2o months old when she becomes an aunt. My boys think it is the most exciting thing ever and have proceeded to tell everyone that their sister is pregnant. Sterling thinks he must be the youngest uncle ever and Branden just can’t wait. At least I still have all of my baby stuff which will be a big help financially for her.
Right now we are just trying to get things in order such as looking into hospitals, figuring out what she needs and organizing her education. We have registered her into a school that is for pregnant or young mothers. Prenatal is even a part of the curriculum. There are daycare services in the school as well as a nurse, nutritionist, and social workers. I think that every little bit of guidance that can be given to her is a bonus right now. Becoming a parent is a life changing event and no matter how prepared you think you are……you aren’t!
In the next 5 months I will give you updates on how things are going. Fingers crossed that I survive the pregnancy hormonal mood swings that are just piggy backing on her already tumultuous teen hormones.
The other day after coming home from a fabulous dinner at a friends house, I discovered that our puppy had gotten a hold of something he shouldn’t have. Of course this meant that this item was no longer intact nor salvageable. It was a small helium balloon that had the words “It’s A Girl” on it. The type that was sitting atop a long stick to be placed in with flowers or gift basket. I know, not an extremely important item but seeing its destruction resulted in a very emotional reaction.
I cannot claim that it was a sensible reaction but non the less, it was how I reacted. So after uttering a few choice words and with tears in my eyes, I turned around and left the kitchen. Marched myself up the stairs to my bedroom and blubbered for about 5 minutes. I was just a silly balloon right? Maybe my emotions are just in over drive because my baby girl is turning one in a couple of weeks. Perhaps its the fact that I am so worn down I am just a basket case. Either way, after I was done and wiped my tears away, I headed back downstairs to clean up the mess and get the boys ready for bed.
As I was cleaning up my son, Sterling, came into the room with his DS system in his arms and said that he was leaving. I stopped what I was doing and asked where he thought he was going. His response was that he had to leave and travel back in time to prevent this from happening. What can hearing that do to a mother but melt her heart. He insisted that he needed to find a scientist to help him travel back in time to fix this. My sweet, sweet little boy.
Not long after, as I was tucking him into bed, he started to get tears in his eyes. He said that he really needed to try and travel back in time to make sure Murdock never did what he did. I told him that it was okay and that I really appreciated the thought. His response was to tell me that this was the only way he could make me happy again. To know that my boy wanted to do something so badly to help me was amazing.
Sterling doesn’t often empathize with people due to his Aspergers but every once in a while he connects. I don’t like to see him hurting but at the same time seeing an emotional reaction like that can be wonderful. I kissed him good-night, tucked him in and told him that I would be fine. I told him that his wanting to help me made me happy again and that I would be even more happy if he would go straight to sleep and have sweet dreams.
Sometimes our children can drive us to the brink of insanity. Sometimes they can bring us to a simmering boil or to tears, but at other times they can bring us so much happiness and joy it can make your heart swell. Thank you Sterling for coming up with an amazing solution to my sadness. Thank you for just being you!